National Tell a Joke Day

I told my husband what today was, and his reply was, "That's funny."  He is funny, just not now.  I can be funny, but much of the time it is accidentally.  I inherited that from my mother.  I have asked a few people to come up with a joke for today's blog.  I had to give a few rules since the males in this household immediately began to tell every bathroom joke they could think of.  Goodness!  I'll go it on my own, I think.

Here are some good jokes for today...laugh away!

A doctor tells a guy: "I have bad news. You have Alzheimer's, and you have cancer." Guy says, "Thank goodness I don't have cancer."

''Dyslexic man walks into a bra''
A young blond woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. Hysterically the blond responds to the husband, ''Shut up...you're next!''
A guy shows up late for work. The boss yells, “You should’ve been here at 8:30!” The guy replies, “Why? What happened at 8:30?”

Squirrels had overrun three churches in town. After much prayer, the elders of the first church determined that the animals were predestined to be there. Who were they to interfere with God’s will? they reasoned. Soon, the squirrels multiplied. The elders of the second church, deciding that they could not harm any of God’s creatures, humanely trapped the squirrels and set them free outside of town. Three days later, the squirrels were back. It was only the third church that succeeded in keeping the pests away. The elders baptized the squirrels and registered them as members of the church. Now they only see them on Christmas and Easter.

Psychiatry students were in their Emotional Extremes class. “Let’s set some parameters,” the professor said. “What’s the opposite of joy?” he asked one student. “Sadness,” he replied. “The opposite of depression?” he asked another student. “Elation,” he replied. “The opposite of woe?” the prof asked a young woman from Texas. The Texan replied, “Sir, I believe that would be giddyup.”

Two campers are hiking in the woods when one is bitten on the rear end by a rattlesnake. “I’ll go into town for a doctor,” the other says. He runs ten miles to a small town and finds the only doctor delivering a baby. “I can’t leave,” the doctor says. “But here’s what to do. Take a knife, cut a little X where the bite is, suck out the poison and spit it on the ground.” The guy runs back to his friend, who is in agony. “What did the doctor say?” the victim cries. “He says you’re gonna die.”